Discipline: Enabling My Child to Grow Within Positive and Realistic Boundaries

Nina Zaragoza, Ph.D.

I remember when my children were younger I often thought, "When they're older they'll be more independent and I'll have more time to myself!" I learned, though that when my children reached middle school they needed me more than ever! So, let me just suggest that you take a deep breath and try to enjoy the ride!

I know what you've heard about middle school children and their future teenage selves. I've heard the same rumors:

• They are rebellious and disrespectful
• They think they know
  ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!
• They are lazy and want to sit in front of the
  TV/Computer/DS all day
• They are totally selfish and self-centered

If we hear these pronouncements don't you think our children hear the same? What do you think goes through their mind when they hear these things? How would you feel if these were the labels placed on you by society?

When we think about our middle schoolers let's remember the uniqueness of each and every one and appreciate each young person individually as we connect to them through our love by enabling:

Connection: Take time for them. Listen to them. Talk to them about other things besides school, household chores, and rules. Engage in enjoyable activities together. Building positive relationships take time but this time is worth it because it will be easier to deal with the difficult times since communication lines are already open.

Safety: Your middle school children are beginning to move out toward more independence (similar to your 2 year old) but, even if they don’t say it, they are fearful. Offer them support by providing clear rules and boundaries and natural consequences that can be enforced consistently.

Purpose: Just like you, your middle school children want purpose in their lives. They want to feel that what they do matters. They want to have a positive influence in the community (family) they live in. Give them family responsibilities as you help them to see that things wouldn’t be the same in the family without them and their contributions. In fact, giving them opportunities to help others will give them a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction that goes beyond themselves.

Modeling: Practice what you preach. If you talk to your children about watching too much TV but you always sit in front of it what message are you really giving? We need to help ourselves become more healthy so that we can offer this same health to our children

As parents we have an important and serious job but try to relax and not take some of the difficulties too personally. Seek help and guidance whenever you need to. Together we will raise positive and responsible children willing to go beyond themselves and transform our world for the better.